Saturday night free-write: The Nightmare

I have this nightmare. This fear in the back of my mind, in the pit of my stomach. In this hellish place there are people sitting. Sit and they sit. They sit miserable all day at screens until their psoas muscles tighten and shorten and their shoulders become seemingly, permanently, slouched forward, confidence and health slouching simultaneously. Their eyes are fixated on another screen flashing false reality, they worship this lifeless “Smart” TV that is screaming YOU NEED ALL THIS STUFF IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY, DEATH DESTRUCTION TO THE WORLD, POLITICS AND MOLESTATION, SUBLIMINAL MIND RAPE, STRIPPING THEM OF INTUITION AND LEAVING THEM STUPID AND JADED, DULL AND DESENSITIZED IN A POOL OF DELUSION. JEALOUSY, ANGER, HATRED OOZING OUT OF A BLINKING BOX WHILE FASCIA HARDENS, AND PEOPLE ARE DYING ELSEWHERE, AND THE PLANET ROTS BENEATH POORLY, CHEAPLY BUILT FOUNDATIONS.

Next, finally, one of these people gets up from their chair. He goes to the grocery store. He says to himself, “It’s time to change, I just feel horrible and exhausted all the time from eating fast food and junk. All these medicines for my anxiety and depression are making me dull.” He picks up a plastic box of salad and some mushrooms, tomatoes, and sprouts. He goes home to prepare his nutritious meal and eats it. 9 hours later he starts vomiting. Food poisoning. In this nightmare, a group of people high up in the distribution chain poisoned the food for a pay off from intelligent pharmaceutical marketers. Slowly sending out batches, forming a manipulated association in the collective mind that healthy food equals sickness. Poisoning leafy greens and fruits. But doesn’t the food industry draw in enough money? People have to eat! But if they eat clean, well, proportionally, and organically, they won’t get sick, and if they don’t get sick, well then the medical and pharmaceutical companies don’t get their money, and well if they don’t make their money, well they can’t keep making drugs that only mask problems, and get people addicted, and then the big guys in news media can’t put out on all of their beloved screens that we have an illegal drug epidemic, and then immediately afterwards play a commercial with an insecure self-exploited bulimic actress eating a greasy hamburger with french fries that she throws up later off screen because of society induced pressure to be a certain way, then the guy go gets the hamburger and fries cause hot chicks eat them and he knows that won’t give him food poisoning immediately, he doesn’t think about delayed consequences of clogged arteries and a heart attack later because he wasn’t shown that in the commercial and all the screen watching dulled his intuition and deafened him to his own body, and he was shot down in one good decision cause of someone else’s greed. And then the american heart association puts recipes for meat oriented dishes on their website, and he’ll sit back down in his chair cause his body is depressed from the hamburger that sickly cortisol ridden cows were slaughtered en masse to be lumped together, frozen, and greased for his consumption… the fucking horror of negative cyclical karma snowballing to nuclear warfare and the end of a species. Dust and dollar bills settling over bomb shelters of the few people who can afford them, and most probably, the same people that gave the orders to drop the first bomb in the first place.

And these chair-creatures, in this nightmare, you see, they procreate when they get out of their chairs for a few minutes or maybe they do it in their chairs, I don’t know, and these beautiful newborn babies full of potential and vitality and connection in their eyes, well, they got born into this chair-screen-nightmare. They are never shown or told where to look for possibility and movement and awareness. They never realize that their potential is endless and then they operate at a very low standard and capacity in misery and a yearning for more all of their lives because laziness and convenience and manipulation overtook sustainability and practicality. The apocalypse that the religious (organized religion designed to gain power over others) manifested and made real by their own doing… the catastrophe of greed and selfishness and fear purveyed for the returned instant gratification and the want for immediate decrease of discomfort and friction but only causing more discomfort and friction in the long run.

This nightmare is the holocaust of the divine human body and its maintenance. This nightmare is the ruination of collective evolution. This nightmare is the cataclysm of gouging out the third eye.


I come out of this nightmare on my mat.



The Gap

I’ll meet you on the other side of this experience. This sobering, sober, vulnerable experience. Experiencing fear, anxiety, the unknown. Experiencing gratitude, support, love. Humans coming together, linking hands, arms, bodies, minds to create a bolster, to hold each other up. I’m living the metaphor. I’m living the dream. The song. I’m walking the path. I’m hearing the silence. I’m witnessing the over-stimulation. The tingling in my hands and feet, the tightness of my chest. The rapidness of my heart beat. The buzzing in my brain. The soreness behind my eyes. Fearing what happened before will happen again. Driving a vehicle, slowly just in case, saying to myself out loud, “10 more miles til I can see his face . . .5 more miles til I can feel his presence . . .1 more mile til I can smell his scent . . .1 more step until I can hear his breath.” I could die right now. I could die tomorrow. I could die in 100 years. But I made it. I closed my eyes and found stillness. I listened to breath I was craving. Aware of every system in my body but unable to pinpoint the thing or things that are causing the trouble. I listen to the dead talking. In songs and books. In the sun on my face. In the moon on my skin somehow I can hear them. I feel the living breathing. In the rivers rolling forever, and the wind blowing on. In the trees growing. In the smile on Fraeyah’s face, I can feel them. Blue eyes freezing time, trancing me into reflection. My obsession with sight, oh, how we can see! How is it so? That my eyes can roll back in my head uncontrollably for what seemed like 100 twitches per second, for 90 seconds. Yet, right now, I can see. Breath slow, calm, steady, rhythmic, lower body relaxed; while chest arms and hands are clenched, left hand postured and twitching, face pale as a corpse. Yet, right now, I can feel. I can see and feel better, right now, than ever before. Control freak losing control in front of a group of people for 90 seconds. Air has never smelled so sweet, so satisfying. Time has never felt more precious. People never more beautiful than right now. Never have I experienced so objectively, so unbiased. Each breath, each blink of the eyelids, each swallow of saliva. A gift. A gift of the body. A gift of consciousness. Gravity; mental, physical, spiritual, emotional gravity. Overwhelmed in gratitude, drowning in it, soaring through it, swallowing it, vomiting it out.

On Saturday December 2, 2017, my motor function, memory, and consciousness were taken from me for 90 seconds in a siege with no warning (seizure def. uncontrolled electrical activity in the brain). I see everything differently now. Did I die?  I don’t know. Something did. Is lightening alive? What is consciousness? What is personality? What is soul? I’m still asking the same questions as before, but from a different angle. Under a different light. I’m not sure what I felt. I’m not sure what I saw, heard, tasted, smelled. I must understand what happened to me. I’m so happy and grateful to be alive. The gods were created from human archetypes and divine nature. How do I know what’s right? What’s really real? If the “gods” have chosen me for this particular experience, have I really chosen myself? Is this shamanic illness? Is this the beginning of epilepsy? Are there other forces at play here? Is nature moving through me? That’s kind of what this feels like. The elements; fire, water, earth, air, ether. . . moving, creating me, making me up, tearing me down, ripping me apart. I feel as though something has shifted. Something is always shifting. Worse case scenario: What if I have a tumor? What if I have cancer? An infection in the brain? What if I know when I will die? How will the cards lie? How will I spend my time? How will I have to rearrange my life? The peices of the puzzle? How will I make sure my love lives on forever echoing throughout eternity? Is it already? Ancient love. Futuristic love. Hippie love. One love. Romantic love. Familial love. Divine love. I love. I love unconditionally. All of you. All of nature. All of space. All of the universe. All of consciousness. All of conceptualization. All of knowledge. All of evolution. All of creation. All of destruction. All of balance. All of the collective. What have I been? Who am I now? What will I become? Paramedics asking me, “What is your name?”

And in a daze:

Patricia Christine Hawkins.

Strawberry Doom

Wake up, man. It’s tomorrow.

I’m watching incense smoke linger in the sunlight from the windows, just hanging out laying thick like a familiar feeling. It smells like woody strawberries and peace. And my apartment is gold in the eyes of a miner. And a train wreck strain is a great additive to the pleasure the pleasuring and the pleasured right beside the train station where phenomenal orgasms prance across the tracks of time pockets if you just relax. Hearing the quickened breath like a horn that blows again and again coming like trains on a restless summer night. Listening to stoner doom metal and the irony lies in the grass of it being one of the most hopeful noises under the sun of it being the opposite of doom and sounding like divine design. The sound that jumps the tracks. The sound that takes a long ride to somewhere they don’t know and it’s over as quick as it came and they’re gone. Then somehow it comes back around on time schedules and the patterns of our days and we see it and we know it and we are it. It’s all of it it’s everything. And it spirals out again hopping freight to fright to freight to love to freight again moment to moment never ending because stars keep being born and giving way to black holes and we don’t know where any of it goes except for halting here right now for that one second to climb on board.

Tye-dye and Camo

Friday July 8th 14:06

I am ending the classical period of my life.

I spent July fourth weekend at work and with Clayton. A book on his bookshelf caught my eye called The Physics of Consciousness by Evan Harris Walker. Apparently Cody or someone gave it to him for Christmas one year. I read the first few pages aloud and was automatically hooked with that funky inspired feeling I get when I read word combinations that are animated by deep thought. Clayton said it sounded good while I was reading it and that I could take the book with me.

I’m about 70 pages in this book that’s talking about quantum mechanics, and frequencies of light, and Schrödinger, and Bohr’s atom. On the way down there was something so comforting reading about classical physics with Isaac Newton and his laws relating to material objective reality. Something I threefourths-heartedly believed in, that there was nothing more than what’s in front of us. As I speak, we’re miles into our trip home from Parris Island, SC with a freshly pressed marine. The abandonment and flatlands of the early south are whizzing by me as my thoughts dive into the ever-deeper southern recesses of my mind. I haven’t written in a while due to lack of inspiration.

On the way down, my dad, sister, and I began the trip with stimulating conversations about religion, politics, energy, the (non)existence of angels demons, mental disease, and existence. This discussion put my mind in analytical motion for our visit to Parris Island. As soon as I got out of the car at the base I felt a strange energy of institutionalization and brainwashing. It vaguely nauseated me to watch the recruits file onto the parade deck before the motivational run in such sickening uniformity, all mentally and physically trained to kill and die for our country. Then I saw Dalton.

An irrationally strong and large tidal wave of pride washed over my entire occupancy of space in the universe. The classical period of my mental physics was over. It was now about the contradiction of light existing as both particles and waves. I started weeping uncontrollably seeing before me a man; shoulders back, hands closed, both feet at a 45 degree angle, never breaking bearing. Front and left, a PFC squad leader of platoon 3052 of Lima Company 3rd Batallion, I could not take my tear-filled eyes off of him. Always standing strong between his two sisters, Ella and I; he then stood stronger among his 200-something new brothers. Another tidal wave of fear suddenly overlapped the pride. I do not want him to die for me or this country, I thought to myself. Watching him stand there still as a stone basking in the glory of accomplishment after the trials and tribulations of the past 90 days, I didn’t feel like I, or the country, even deserved the honor of being in Dalton’s presence. I couldn’t stop crying with how fucked up it all felt.

I am a huge advocate of free thinking and free action and sometimes I am very “fuck the man.” Sometimes I feel like our government is the most evil, greedy, and corrupt thing, but do I get up everyday and basically do whatever the fuck I want to do because I am free to do so? Because I was lucky enough to be born in this country where there have been and continue to be thousands of men and women who fight, kill, and die for me and you to do what we want? It’s so fucked up. Freedom should be free for all living beings. This all speaks volumes of the human race. The need for military and war is one of the most depressing facts of this life. Because people are greedy, hateful, jealous, and don’t know how to fucking act.

I observed Dalton closely all day on Thursday for Family Day which was the first time I had seen him in three months. “Yes ma’am. . . Thank you, sir. . .” His whole demeanor more polite and more calm. A boy who left the recruiting office in Martinsburg, WV, not even wanting to clean his room or put his dirty dishes in the sink had just “skuzzed” floors and gotten belittled for 90 days. I used to want to put his face in the dirt for being a lazy asshole. Now I feel like I should kiss the ground he walks on. And he’s so handsome in his uniform!

The gears in my head were turning ferociously all day. I felt and still feel conflicted about the whole experience. I am so fucking proud of my brother and love him so much but I can hardly bear to think about a bullet going through his chest or the chance of his eternal misery from PTSD or losing an arm and not being able to work out like he always has loved to do. Him dying for a country who considers him a number, property of the government, like their tagged cattle put out for slaughter.

I think he saw the gears turning and the tears streaming behind my sunglasses because as we walked back to his barracks during liberty he asked me if I was okay and said that I didn’t look very happy. I said “Dalton, I am so happy to see you!” I began weeping again, and with me in my tye-dye skirt and him in his digies, we shared one of the best hugs of my life. He told me he read one of the letters I wrote him out loud to some of his friends in which I wrote some Red Hot Chili Peppers’ lyrics and that they all interpreted it for motivation for that day in basic. Most of us know it:

“Destruction leads to a very rough road, But it also breeds creation.” – Californication

It made my day.

And I know, perhaps, that, “Men do not fight for flag or country, for the Marine Corps or glory or any other abstraction, they fight for one another” (William Manchester). And though it goes against everything I believe in, this experience has half tempted me to drop everything and head to the recruiter’s office to join Marine Corps basic training myself. I would do that just to be with him. To fight beside him and experience the world with him and keep him safe. To find self-discipline and self-sacrifice, which in my eyes, are two of the most respectful aspects of character.

Dearest brother, “Your battles inspired me – not the obvious material battles, but those that were fought and won behind your forehead” (James Joyce). I love you and I’m so proud of you. I can’t speak for everyone but upon this new experience, I feel it is my duty to be worthy of your fight. . . and to keep expanding my perception.

To knowledge. To growth. To expansion. To Valhalla.

Mental Slope

I was laying on a red suede couch on Hollow Tree Lane nine years ago watching, with horror and astonishment, a movie called 28 Weeks Later. My best friend at the time- Amber, me, and her younger sister, Addison, were up late laying on that couch, as always it seemed, not knowing at all who we were or who we would become nine years later.

All three of us piled into Amber’s bed after the movie because we had scared ourselves out of our minds by watching it. It was probably around 4am when those two finally went to sleep. But I didn’t.

I remember lying there paralyzed with fear. There was a night light on but the only thing I could see were the images of sprinting, gnarled, bloody, lifeless-but-animate bodies on a never-ending movie-reel for my mind’s eye. The bodies were those of which belonged to my mother and father and brother and sister. I watched their eyes go wide and bloodshot with a viral living death that in one way or another, as my mind played it out -momturnsandbitesdadwhilehe’stryingtosavedaltonandellaandturnsandthenbitesdaltonwhobitesellaandthey’vehoardedintotheherd-, they were now coming after me. They were SPRINTING after me to tear away the flesh from my bones and turn me into something I am petrified of. I would have to kill them -the four people I love more than anything in this world- to survive, or die only to come back as a threat to the human existence. Lying there, I imagined that zombies -infected bodies as hosts to a virus that destroys life, soul, and personality – were hissing and growling just outside the window. I devised multiple elaborate plans to either quickly kill myself in case these nonexistent-zombies-that-were-just-outside-the-window got into the house, and then also fabricated multiple elaborate back up plans of action to escape and hide could I not execute a suicide. I watched the sun start to peak through the cracks of the blinds in Amber’s room before I could drift into a nightmare infested sleep.

I’ve had zombie dreams frequently and infrequently in spurts since watching that movie nine years ago. They still fester sometimes and I’ll wake up in utter panic, sometimes in a pool of my own sweat, and I’ll thank the universe that it was only a dream. But why? Why does the concept of a zombie haunt my subconscious on way deeper level than just a normal and rational fear of the living dead that most people probably have?

The part of the movie that got me the most is when the kids, who’s blood might carry hope for a cure or vaccine, (the very beautiful, very sexy) Jeremy Renner as a soldier named Doyle appointed to keep the children safe at all costs, and another female soldier who is injured, are running away from, not only zombies, but military personnel roaming the streets of the UK with poisonous gas and flamethrowers killing zombies and humans alike. Eradicating. With shirts pulled over their noses, the group finds an abandoned vehicle and they get in. It’s a manual and it won’t start. The soldiers aren’t far behind them and they will end anyone who could be infected. Doyle, in order to save the children, decides he must get out and push the car so the woman soldier can pump the clutch and move the gear shift to hopefully get the car started. He gets out of the car and starts pushing with all his might, yelling, “Go! Go! GO!” The children are crying and screaming. The military personnel with the flamethrowers see him and begin to throw. Just as his clothing and body catch fire, the car starts. The camera shows the children looking back in turmoil, it flashes to the view from the back seat looking back at his flailing, flaming, waving arms. He falls to his knees, and then to the ground. Dying. Burning.

All of this happened in what seemed like in-the-moment-slow-motion, and I was uncontrollably bawling. This is one of the few movie scenes that has had complete gut-wrenching, heart-ripping, empathy-evoking, soul-inspiring impact on me. Doyle gave his life to save those children, he sacrificed his life for the hopes of saving the human race. We’d like to think we could be so selfless in the same situation. In all situations.

Is this the reason I so deeply fear the idea of a zombie and a zombie apocalypse? You see, I live for those moments where I feel like being human has a purpose. That we didn’t evolve into this level of consciousness just for shits and giggs. That we can be transcendent, even if just for a few seconds. That we can sacrifice ourselves for the happiness and betterment of another’s life. That we can feel and love endlessly and unconditionally. That we are a part of that far-out-tremendously-deep kick. Vastly connected to one another and all things. To be a zombie means that there is matter (the body and physical identity pertaining to the recognition of who you are) without meaning. To be a zombie means to be void of all emotion. To be a zombie means you will kill your family. To be a zombie means to never love. To be a zombie is to never feel. To be a zombie is the annihilation of all communication. To be a zombie means loss of all hope for that transcendence. To be a zombie is to die without death. To be a zombie is to catapult into oblivion.

And I’m not sure why or when or what happened, but, I fell in love with an emotional zombie. I am sacrificing my every single heart’s desires, every sexual desire, my emotional desires, in the hopes to save the existence of a relationship that may or may not fail horribly, if it hasn’t already. The lack of communication kills me inside. The confusion is equivalent to my suffering. Will it really lead to an enlightened more knowledgable state of mind? I aim to find a cure, to mend, to vaccinate. The bite marks he left on my right forearm and left shoulder on Monday faded away Friday.

And though I am surrounded by them, lurking in every corner of this existence, some too far gone to come back; I have sworn to myself never to be one- emotional or otherwise. I would rather burn a thousand times to save a child from the same fate. To save human existence and consciousness. To save emotion. To save love. Even if all of this means nothing. To do that is to reach that transcendence, even if just for this or that moment. To be a part of that deep kick. It’s the running from the somnolence, the zombie-ism, that exhausts you to the point that you would almost rather be one than to endure the misery and torment of the end. It is that primal will to survive, to make things better, that may one day save us. How much time do we have left as a species, as humans, as consciousness? How much time do we have left. We all fear death, but I fear a living death far more.

Mental slope. Sloping.


“Drinking is a black hole. A black hole in your memory, a black hole in your life, and a black hole in your soul.” – Me, January 31, 2015 1:41 pm.

Almost a year ago, I was hungover in Seattle, Washington and I wrote that in my notes on my phone.

Today I lie in my bed hungover dreading going to work tonight and hardly keeping my eyes open. Not a day goes by that I don’t drink or consider drinking. America is a drunk nation and I am no exception.

So what’s the deal? What is the fucking deal? Something goes wrong or pisses me off, I drink. Something goes right and I accomplish great things, I drink. Oh, it’s a day today, I think I’ll fucking drink.

My body is young and able, let’s fucking drink. My parents are separated, let’s drink. I graduated college, let’s drink. He’s being an asshole, let’s drink. She’s being a bitch, let’s drink. I’m going to get my yoga teaching certificate,  let’s drink. It’s my birthday, let’s drink. I have a paper due tomorrow, let’s drink. I have a soccer game tomorrow, let’s drink. Depressed?, let’s drink. It’s my day off, let’s drink. I’m bored, let’s drink. A margarita sounds good, let’s drink. Shots, let’s drink. It’s Christmas, let’s drink. It’s Hanukah, let’s drink. It’s Tuesday, let’s drink. You’re beautiful, let’s drink. I love you, let’s drink.

Those are just a few of the endless reasons I’ll drink. Why do you drink?

Alcohol is the only thing that always has and always will be there. No matter what your parents do, no matter what your significant other does. No matter what your siblings do or where they go. No matter whether you have a job or a place to live or not. Whether you have children or not. Whether you’re scared or not. No matter what’s going on in Syria. In politics. In your home. In your life. No matter whether you’re happy or sad or succeeding or defeated. Whether you’re skinny or you’re fat. Whether you’re black or you’re white. Native American. You’re being a good person, a bad person. She does not discriminate. She’ll take you into her loving arms and she’ll take your memory too. She’ll take your emotions and your feelings. She’ll numb you and make everything okay. You don’t need your phone anymore. You don’t need anyone. You don’t need anything but more of her. She loves you. She loves you endlessly. She pleasures you. She wants more of you, too. She never wants you to put her down or give her up. It’s an old story that many have told. But it doesn’t get less important or less prominent. It’s always here, under your nose. She smells it on your breath. She makes you take your keys and put them in the ignition if no one else is there to take you home. She makes you blind. She turns the lights on when no one is home and she waits for you to wake up the next morning with questions only she can answer for. She clouds your eyes and your thoughts. She takes you down and she loves you for everything you are and more. She is mother’s milk. She is your lover. She is your friend. Your closest truest friend. She’s running over your tongue, down your throat, esophagus. She’s inside of you. In your stomach, your liver, your bladder. Your blood. Throughout your whole being. She changes you. She loves you.

She is a worm. She makes you a worm. She makes you weak. She makes you sick. She makes you sick of her and you want to get out. You want to get out of this relationship with her. She wants you more. She loves you harder. Your blood. She is your blood. She makes you drive. She makes you alive. She can kill you. She makes you say stupid shit. She makes a fool out of you. Everyone you know, knows. She makes you confident. She loves you so much she hurts you. She keeps hurting you and loving you and you keep going back for more because she cradles you and takes away everything that is wrong. She creates half of the problems. She puts you in the dirt and you crawl through it. Mud and dirt covers you and you can’t get clean. You kiss the earth. She’s a dirty girl. You crawl into a black hole with her and make love in the dirt.

Hot sweaty love in the dirt. She always adds one more presence to the party. No one can party without her. You just want her to leave. You want to scream at her. Get the fuck out of my head. Get out of my blood. Get out of my life. She won’t leave you. She’s always there. Always right there. Your life revolves around her. You serve her in mass quantities. You drink her in mass quantities. She tastes so good. “I’m the nectar of life,” she says. She’s everywhere. I want you forever. I’ll never leave you. I’ll never leave any of you. I love you, she says to me. And I know she means it. She means it when she says I love you. Forever, unconditionally, she loves you. Forever. When the world is over, she loves you. When all the trees have died, she loves you. All the rivers dried up, she loves you. Oceans contaminated, she loves you. Currency has no value, she loves you. In life, she loves you. In death, she loves you. Nuclear warfare, she loves you. Childless, she loves you. Hopeless, she loves you.


She loves you.


It was foggy in a hollow this morning.

And we all know fog is a thick cloud of tiny water droplets suspended in the atmosphere at or near the earth’s surface that obscures or restricts visibility.

But it’s also something that obscures and confuses a situation or someone’s thought processes.

And I don’t know what this means for me or you or us or them.

But above the fog hung the crescent moon, low and south east. And guiding. And beckoning.

And the Stairway to Heaven has never been denied in my car. And so many times has it come out of my smartphone and I’m stoned and I’m dancing to Jimmy Page’s guitar solo in a steamy shower.

And I left a warm bed on a cold morning because I had to do my homework, but also because I had a vision for a poem that I had to write– because words are my medium. It must have come to me in my vino-induced sleep. I woke up dizzy and tucked under a different blanket.

And I can’t paint or draw.

I was told I was the next chapter, but the pages keep quickly turning.

And our time here keeps flying. And you know sometimes words have two meanings, and all of our thoughts are misleading. And Robert Plant looks like him. Not the other way around. And that’s what is different now. From everything before. Perception and feeling.

And beneath laundry detergent and construction; love, to me, smells like sage and smudge and gasoline, skin, and the musk of man and earth.

Pheromones alone could make this life worth living.

I wonder about everything.

And I’m sorry I drink so much wine. And I’m sorry I think about sex and love and life all the time. I am.

He wished me clairvoyance. One of the cutest things I’ve ever seen in the dark.

And I can only hope and wait and be and do. And love fiercely with a mindful sensuality that I’ve only seen in one person.


And that crescent moon on a dresser in a foggy morning hollow.